I am writing this shortly after losing it on my 3 year old son.  It happened after I went upstairs to change the one-year-old, and came back down to find pools of liquid all over the wood floors.  “What is this?” I asked Bennett.  “I’m cleaning!” he replied proudly.  I realized then what had happened – I left the laundry room door open after taking the clothes out of the dryer, and he obviously located the cleaning supplies.  I screamed, “Bennett!  What are you doing?! Give me that bottle!”  He laughed and ran, the bottle of bathroom cleaner flailing around in his hand.  His brother laughed too, until he slipped in one of the bleach puddles and landed smack on the back of his head.  Who do I run to first?  The crying child laying in a puddle of who-knows-what cleaning solution, or the toddler running free throughout our house with the bleach spray in his hand?  Of course, I scooped up the injured party and ran after the accomplice. Now that one kid was screaming, it was harder for me to keep calm.  Ok, I thought, at least he hasn’t INGESTED anything.  I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he thought he was trying to help.  And, it WAS my fault for not shutting and locking the door.  And, it’s ALWAYS something, right? (Well, in my house it is.)

I debated calling someone for help – but by the time someone actually gets here, the situation always seems to have calmed down and I look like an idiot.

Andrew continued screaming in my ear as I tried to comfort him.  I looked around the room – trains, trucks, blocks and pillows were strewn across the floor.  Puddles of  cleaning solution randomly sat among them.  Bennett was now yanking the front panel off the TV stand in order to put in a DVD.  I tried to yell over Andrew’s relentless crying to Bennett – “BENNETT! You KNOW you are NOT supposed to touch the electronics!” (Yeah, I’m sure that line works on a lot of kids.)  I finally got both boys upstairs.  I put Andrew in his crib and told Bennett to sit in his bed.   I came downstairs to begin damage control.  Soon, every toy was picked up and put away, all the puddles had been mopped up, and the house actually looked pretty clean.  Something still wasn’t right – it was very quiet upstairs.  I crept back into their room to find them both sound asleep – sure enough, Bennett’s naughty behavior came mostly from exhaustion.

I feel terrible.  My plan is to pretend the whole thing never happened – when they’re done napping, I certainly won’t bring it up.  It’s only 2 pm, a little early for a glass of wine.  I guess I’ll take a bubble bath instead – I have to get all this bleach off of me anyway.

One mom shares her thoughts on The Breastfeeding Controversy-

It seems a new controversy surrounding breastfeeding arises in the news almost every day – whether mothers are being asked to nurse their babies in public bathrooms, getting kicked out of well know shopping centers, or having their photos removed from Facebook for inappropriate content, it’s harder than ever to make the choice to be a nursing mom. Just yesterday I read a story about a mom getting kicked out of a public place for breastfeeding her baby – and she was in church!

I truly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding – I think it’s awesome that we have an alternative for those who choose not to, or can’t breastfeed. However, for those who do breastfeed, they need all the support they can get. I think that our lack of acceptance of breastfeeding is damaging the health of our nation.

We’ve all read the scientific proof that says breastfeeding prevents a long list of illnesses, including stomach viruses, lower respiratory infection, ear infections, and meningitis. Later in life, breastfed babies are less likely to develop types 1 and 2 diabetes, allergies, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. Breastfeeding combats childhood obesity and reduces the risk of SIDS. We also know that breastfeeding is beneficial to the mother, lessening the chances of developing postpartum depression, and reducing the risk of breast and ovarian cancers. We can’t deny that it is by far the cheapest way to provide your baby with the best nutrition possible, or that it helps the environment by producing no waste. Breast milk is always available, the perfect temperature, and most easily digested by babies.

As I said, there is no reason a mom who is not breastfeeding should feel guilty – and that’s not what most breastfeeding mothers are trying to do. But because breastfeeding is so beneficial, we should at least allow it to become a normalcy in our society – moms who aren’t sure if they can do it should be encouraged by the research to at least try, and they certainly should be allowed to do it without feeling like a pervert or a stripper in public.

Let’s face it, breastfeeding is a huge commitment. Therefore, mothers who make the choice to breastfeed should be applauded, not shamed. We should be running up to breastfeeding moms in parks, restaurants, and shopping malls, congratulating them on their miraculous ability to provide perfect nutrition and encouraging them to keep going. Instead, we tell them it’s ok to breastfeed as long as they completely hide what they are doing. We tell them it’s ok to breastfeed as long as minors (and some squeamish adults) can’t see it. Contradicting this, we tell them it’s ok to breastfeed as long as the location is “kid-friendly” – I mean, how can you possibly enjoy your romantic night out when the woman at the next table is (gasp) nursing her child – oh please! Adults eating in public have grossed me out way more than any nursing babies ever have.

Many people make it so difficult for a woman to feel comfortable Breastfeeding In Public that she feels like she can’t even leave the house. And if she does leave the house, she should spend an hour pumping her own milk into a bottle so she doesn’t offend anyone when her baby has to eat. So I ask you, who’s going to breastfeed then? Why do we admit that it is the healthiest way to feed your baby, and then simultaneously deter women from doing it? How can we scientifically prove something is beneficial to our short and long term health, and then not accept it as normal behavior in society?

I’ll never forget the first time I breastfed my son in public. He was about 2 weeks old, we were returning from a doctor’s appointment, and we decided to have lunch at an outdoor café. It was June, and I was wearing a flowy camisole and shorts. Our food arrived and our sleeping newborn immediately started wailing (of course, don’t they always get hungry when they smell food!?) My mother-in-law was with us and showed me how to position the pashmina I had with me over my right shoulder. The wind kept blowing the fabric all over the place, but I pressed on. My son continued screaming at the top of his lungs, the cries getting progressively louder and more urgent – soon, everyone in the place was turning to stare. With my mother-in-law holding the pashmina around me as if I were naked underneath, I pulled down my nursing bra and tried to position the baby. My heart was racing and I had a pit in my stomach as I prayed for him to latch on correctly and stop his high pitched, rhythmic crying. All that fabric over his head was making him angrier by the second, and that’s when I finally came to my senses. Screw all these people – my newborn was hungry and I wasn’t about to deny him simply because some strangers might feel uncomfortable. What about my baby being uncomfortable? After all, isn’t it easier for them to look the other way than it is for me to ask my baby to not eat? Of course, it’s not like I ripped off my top or anything – I simply ditched the pashmina (It was June!) and pulled the loose fabric of my top up so I could still conceal the upper part of my breast. When the baby latched on, his head covered the rest, and we were both finally comfortable. I held him with one hand and was able to eat my brunch with the other. I breathed a sigh of relief as I thought to myself, “I can do this!”

The truth is, if you’re confident breastfeeding in public, most other people will respect you. The problem arises when we make too big of a deal out of it so no one feels comfortable doing it anywhere. Everyone has different levels of comfort when breastfeeding in public, and like anything, with more practice, you get more comfortable. Today there are so many products out there that help you breastfeed discreetly – nursing tanks, nursing covers, and nursing ponchos. You can buy an entire nursing wardrobe, or just get creative with your own clothing – like layering a lose top over a low-cut tank. Simply pull the top layer up and the under layer down, and you’ll be plenty covered. Hopefully someday soon we’ll all realize how silly we’re being.

A mother always does the best she can for her child and for her family. And whether that’s breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, or a combination, the last thing she needs is to feel guilty about something she’s doing or not doing. As a society, we can be more supportive of moms in general and that especially includes breastfeeding in public. They say the more moms breastfeed in public, the less sensitive to it people will become – so get out there nursing moms! I, for one, applaud you!

1. Expect to be exhausted – and when I say exhausted, what I really mean is, expect to be more sleep deprived than you have ever been, EVER.  A new parent once told me that he didn’t truly know what sleep deprivation was until his son was 2 weeks old.  The good news is that it gets better – you won’t be sleeping in 2-3 hour intervals forever.  The not so good news is that once you become a parent, you really never get a great night’s sleep again – unless you go out of town and leave the kids at home.  When people who don’t have kids tell me they’re tired, I literally have to hold back my laughter.   

2. Get help – someone to cook, clean, or come over and hold the baby for an hour while you take a much needed nap.  Use friends and family members, or hire someone.  But make sure anyone you invite into your home is someone you feel comfortable giving a job to and then ignoring.  This plan of asking for help can quickly backfire if you end up cleaning house before they arrive, making hors devours and visiting for hours on end.  The key is to use their services, and then get rid of them.  

3. Know that it’s temporary – no doubt, the first 6 weeks feel like forever when you’re smack in the middle of them.  But logically, we can all agree it’s not that long of a time.  As hard as it is to get through, remind yourself that it won’t always be like this.  Looking back, you’ll realize how quickly it went, and you may even want some of it back.

4. The big conundrum – the fact that it’s so temporary also makes it precious.  You can never get those 6 weeks back.  I’ll say it again – you can never get those 6 weeks back.  The endless crying, the sleepless nights, the challenging feedings – they will end (thankfully).  But along with the challenging times, the precious moments you spend with your newborn will also come to an end.  Rather than beat yourself up for everything you think you’re doing wrong, relish in the special times – rocking your baby, singing to your baby, giving him/her a bath, grasping their tiny fingers and toes.  Focus on these moments and cherish them. 

5. You have ONE job – leave everything (and everyone) else alone.  This is a rare moment in today’s busy world when you will have only one job to do – and that’s to care for your newborn.  Most likely you are on maternity leave and if you have older children, you hopefully have help with them.  Try not to worry about the other things that need to get done – big projects should definitely be put on hold, but you can also let most (if not all) of the little stuff go as well.  Don’t overload yourself with plans or chores – try to live in the moment (aha! See #3 and #4).

6. Do things that make you feel pampered.  You’re healing too!  Take a bath, paint your nails, drink some wine (gotta love that last one).  Find time to shower and put on some super comfy loungewear.  Even though you’re exhausted and dealing with a less than perfect body image, think of this as a time to feel good about yourself.  It’s amazing what a little mommy time can do – trust me, go for a walk around the block and you’ll feel so weird not having a newborn attached to you.  Take this moment to remind yourself that you’re still the person you were before you had your baby.  Things will forever be different, but that person doesn’t have to completely go away.  Give yourself the time you need to adjust to this new role and this new person in your life – that’s really what the first 6 weeks are all about.  Learn about each other, love each other, and enjoy this magical moment in time.          

When I got done writing this, I realized how sappy the end of it is – maybe it’s because my kids are 2 and a half and 1.  I’m basically out of that often grueling phase, and like many things we go through as parents (ahem, labor), we tend to forget all the trauma and remember the good parts.  Luckily, we’re given a perfect balance of being able to say we’re glad those first 6 weeks are over, but we’d also take some of it back – well, maybe for a week…. I mean, maybe for a night…  Ok, an hour. 

As I’m leaning over the edge of my hospital bed, gripping my nurse’s forearms, I feel the cold cleansing gel on my back.  So far so good.  Then, I get a visual – I realize this guy has full view of my butt crack and my bare ass, as fat as it’s ever been, squished against the hard mattress.  A contraction comes and the pain doesn’t seem quite as unbearable as the thought of my cute anesthesiologist checking out my cellulite.  After he was done and I could no longer feel my lower half, I reminded myself that he is a professional – and damn does that epidural feel good.  I’ve never been so happy with modern medicine in my life.

When I had my second son, I had already decided the epidural was for me.  My doctor gave me the OK, and I said, bring it on.  This time, I waited for an entire hour before the anesthesiologist walked in – and guess what?? He was young, handsome, and super friendly – a regular boy-next-store.  You’ve got to be kidding me!  Despite my pain, I began to wonder about my luck (or unluck), I wasn’t really sure.  So once again, I’m bent over the edge of the bed, moaning in pain, and he’s got a front row seat to my pregnancy butt crack.  When he was done, the nurse helped me lay back down.  I watched as she and the hottie checked off some paperwork.  All of a sudden, I let out the loudest, longest fart ever. MOR – TI – FIED.  I couldn’t even stop it because I had no feeling from the waist down.  As I said, he’s a professional, right?  But I knew I had startled both of them by the way they jumped and turned around to look at me.  I looked the other way and pretended it wasn’t me (yeah, that’s convincing).  When he left, I said to the nurse, “THAT was embarrassing.”  She responded, “What was?”  “Nothing,” I replied, “nothing.”

Even though I knew I would miss the kids like crazy, I was somewhat elated to fly without a baby or toddler – no bottles, strollers, DVDs, or diapers.  Getting through security was a breeze.  This time, I had ONE carry-on, a small bag that contained my wallet, book, and snacks… But, like most outings you partake in during parenthood, you quickly realize you can never really go back to being that person you were before having kids.  At dinner, you’re checking in with the babysitter.  At a movie, you insist on leaving your phone on vibrate in case of an emergency.  For me, this moment of not truly being unattached became apparent when I had to throw one more item in my carry-on – my breastpump.  The oddly shaped grey mass was squashed right between People magazine and my Canon camera. 

I have a love/hate relationship with my breastpump – I love that it allows me some freedom from the baby (and some major relief when I’m oh-so-full) but I hate sitting there and physically pumping.  That soft squishing sound of the motor makes me cringe.  I watch as my nipple stretches through the suction cup, and back again, and out again, and back again, and out again, all the while wondering if my boobs will ever recover (no, so far they have not).  But for the sake of my friend who was getting married, and for the sake of my husband who I hadn’t spent much alone time with in 2 years, and finally for the sake of my 4 month old who I wasn’t ready to wean, I packed the pump and planned on using it regularly. 

We had to leave the house at 4am in order to get to the airport on time.  I nursed Andrew before we left, so by the time 9am rolled around, we were on the plane and I felt like I had two boulders in my bra.  So here’s how it went – we were seated in a row of 3, my husband on the aisle, me in the middle, and a female stranger by the window.  Thank God she was a woman!  Although, sometimes I feel like men are more understanding of breastfeeding anyway.  I slipped on my nursing poncho, pulled down my tank and bra, situated my pump, and pushed the button.  Luckily, the pump’s motor was undetectable due to the airplane engine.  Still, I felt like some kind of obscene flasher in public – any minute I expected a flight attendant to come by and scold me.  God knows why – the girl sitting behind me was wearing such a low cut top I could just about glimpse her nipples.  Her 20-something, pre-baby boobs spilled out of it like a swimsuit model.  And here I am, cowering under 3 layers of clothing so as not to draw any attention to what I’m doing.  As moms, why do we hide under tents and in bathrooms in order to feed our babies while other women get to flaunt their boobs around for any man’s visual display?  Why does cleavage draw positive attention when bouncing up and down on a 20 year old, but negative attention when nursing a newborn? 

Obviously, the answer is sex: boobs = sex.  Let me re-phrase, round, bouncy boobs squeezed into low cut tops = sex.  Milking boobs, via breastpump or baby = farm animal. 

Despite my own self-consciousness, I found pumping on the plane to not be all that inconvenient.  When I finished, I rinsed everything in the bathroom and no one was probably the wiser.  My husband and I turned the whole experience into one big, weekend-long drinking game – anytime someone said the word “pump”, we drank.  “I just have to run back to the room and pump.”  “Yes, we can meet you for breakfast right after I finish pumping.”  “Molly, we’re going on a 5 mile hike – don’t forget to pump.”             

We returned home from the weekend grateful to see our children and looking forward to getting back into our daily routines.  My husband was thankful to be able to watch Chicago sports on TV again.  I was thankful to boil all my pump parts, and shove it to the back of the closet where it belongs.

Ahhhh Sleep....

Bringing a new baby home can be an overwhelming experience.  On one hand, you are enamored with your new, perfect miracle.  On the other hand, you are exhausted from giving birth, your hormones are all over the place, and your emotions are, well, also all over the place.  When we brought my first son home from the hospital, everything was ready and waiting – the nursery was carefully decorated, the fridge and freezer were stocked, his tiny clothes had been washed, folded, and put away.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the extreme exhaustion that comes with being a new parent.  After all, I had never slept in 3 hour intervals before (and 3 hours was a long stretch!).  Needless to say, these first few weeks after bringing baby home are challenging.  In order to take care of your newborn, you also have to be able to take care of yourself – you are healing as well.  Many of us try to do too much for others, particularly when baby is sleeping, when we really should just be thinking of ourselves.  Of course we’ve all heard the phrase, “Sleep when baby sleeps.”  And yet we seem to find so many “important” tasks to complete instead of resting.  So, as a helpful reminder, here is a list of what NOT to do during those magical moments when your newborn is asleep. 

#10  Check your email – reading and responding to emails seems like a quick, harmless activity, but before you know it, you’re looking at friends’ photos on facebook and reading some garbage about who wore their dress the best.  You have a new baby at home – who cares what anyone else is up to!

#9  Scrapbook, send photos, edit the family video.  Documenting your baby’s life is an important, yet never-ending task.  While it is a wonderful activity and something that you will be glad you did later on, keep in mind that your child will always be doing something that deserves documentation.  You’ll always have those moments when you’re thinking, “I should be recording this!”  But, sometimes it’s nice to live in the moment – after all, with all the hard work you’ve been doing to care for this baby, it’s a great reward to know you’re experiencing those precious, intimate moments together.   Keep a balance of making unforgettable memories and making sure every moment is caught on tape.  

#8  Visit with guests, friends, family…  Why is it that whenever company comes to meet the new little one, the baby inevitably sleeps through the whole thing??  While you can’t always plan your baby’s sleep schedule around visitors, you can keep visitors to a minimum, and make sure they only stay for a very short while.      

#7  Call back curious friends and family.  They mean well, but trying to return phone calls to people who are “just checking in” is an unproductive task – they called and left you their well wishes and that’s great.  If you must call them back, at least have them do something for you, like bring over lunch or buy an item you ran out of.

#6  Catch up on missed TV shows.  This isn’t a terrible activity because you are resting in a way.  But honestly, if you’re sitting on the couch watching TV, you might as well be extra efficient and just take a nap.

#5  Pick up.  Of course it’s nice to have a semi-organized home, especially when you’re dealing with the chaos of having a new (often screaming) baby in the house.  But make this easy on yourself – keep boxes or baskets around in different rooms so picking up just means tossing some toys or diapers into them.  The house will look picked up, and you’ll feel better about yourself – but you didn’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time getting the house back together.     

#4  Run errands.  You and your baby should be home a majority of the time, and your baby should be napping in his/her bed.  The last thing you want to do is pick up milk and paper towels at CVS while your baby is sleeping peacefully in the car seat – this is time that should be spent on you!  

#3  Shave your legs, paint your nails, pluck anything.  First of all, I completely understand that due to crazy hormones, our hair seems to grow at super speed when we’re pregnant and even faster the first few weeks after baby’s birth – just ask my eyebrows.  That said, grooming can be limited to basic hygiene these first few weeks – get comfortable letting yourself go a little bit and only taking care of the basics.

#2  Have sex.  You’re exhausted, your body is recovering, and yet you still feel guilty for not being ready to go right after the baby pops out.  The general rule is to wait 6 weeks after a vaginal birth to resume sex, and for many, that’s still too soon.  As my doctor told me at my 6 week post-partum appointment, “I’m giving you the go ahead to have sex, but you don’t have to tell your husband that.”  Per #3, you’re letting your leg hair grow out anyway, so that should hold him off a little longer.

And finally, #1…which is the hardest of all to avoid – Clean House.  Ok, let’s work through this.  I know as soon as baby falls asleep and you have some much needed peace and quiet, there is a big part of you that wants to collapse on the couch.  But how can you relax when there’s so much else to do??  Bottles need washing, laundry needs to be folded, your work colleague will be over tonight and you don’t want her to see the dust balls that have accumulated under the dining table.  First of all, your baby is your top priority right now, and the baby certainly doesn’t care about a dusty bookcase or a sink full of soaking bottles.  Second, let your partner or other family members help out with the housework.  They’ll appreciate you more anyway once they see what it’s like in your shoes.  And lastly, there will always be something that needs to be done around the house – but most of us just can’t do it all.  At least not for the first few weeks.  Enjoy your time with your new baby, and be sure to rest when you need it.  It’s not so easy to follow the advice, “Sleep when baby sleeps.” but we can think more about ourselves, about living in the moment, and about these precious first few weeks that will be gone before you know it – really!     

Inevitably, I end up doing a little of all these things – I grab some ham and cheese from the fridge drawer, roll it together like a taco, and dunk it into the jar of mayo.  I watch Project Runway while simultaneously grading papers, careful not to smear mayonaise on any of the pages.  When the show ends, I gather my receipts and invoices and plug them into the Excel file on my computer – I’ve spent how much this month???  As I’m finishing up I decide to make one of my favorite afternoon snacks – Cinnamon Iced Coffee.  Which is really just left over coffee from the pot this morning – pour it over ice, add my son’s whole milk, sprinkle some cinnamon on top, and you’ve got yourself a seven dollar beverage from Starbucks.  It’s delicious.  But as I close the file on my computer and head to the kitchen, I hear Andrew start to cry.  It’s then I realize I spent the entire nap time multi-tasking the same way I do when the kids are awake.  Why is it so hard for us moms to wind down?  For me I think it’s knowing that the day still isn’t over – the afternoon nap is so temporary and there’s still so much to do before baths and stories and bedtime.  And that’s really the only time I can wind down – when they’re both in bed for the night (hopefully).  Maybe it’s the fact that the day is over.  Maybe it’s knowing the 9 to 5 has officially come to an end.  Or maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment of making it through yet another day.  I have a feeling it has more to do with the glass of wine in my hand than any of these things.  Ok, I take it back – that is my favorite time of day.